Holding on, to Past Memories
The past several months have helped me realize and accepts something. I've got to stop holding onto past memories, and really need to focus on making new ones. It's crazy how the way someone used to make you feel can place you in a daze, isn't it?
I am currently in the process of reducing how much I skirt around my real feelings. Being more direct with myself about my emotions hasn't been easy, but its been worth it. One tough lesson I have learned - like a seriously long and hard lesson- is that then difference between feeling better and actually being better is HUGE. I've been able to adjust my thought process since conceptualizing this notion.
It's crazy the way some people can make you feel. I finally am able to admit that for a long time I've been stuck thinking about how things were during the 'beginning' phases of a lot of relationships -family, friends, companions, lovers- you know when you first begin to start to formulate your trust contract while building a bond of some sort.
One fond memory I have, and have been struggling with supressing, was like a breath of fresh air. I actually feel pretty ridiculous currently. Here I go again, telling people about the way this person who I've always held dearly to my heart used to make me feel. As you choose to continue to scroll you will have to accompany me on what I hope and intend to be my last trip down memory lane. After my therapy session, someone may realize how presenting my issues my possibly be a blessing in disguise for a hopeless romantic or two.
Putting them first comes off as a love language in our minds right? You know putting their feelings before your own because when we know someone for a substantial amount of time you do a few things- love them, trust them, prioritize their needs over yours. Being at a crossroad sucks. Meaning being at the corner of 'I love you" and 'we're no good for one another' all the while fervent emotions are speeding up and down this two way street in the residential area where the love both of you have for one another lives. One thing I've learned over the past 23 months is that the way we feel and our emotions tend to become our gauge of well being. Sometimes we get to a point in our lives with loved ones where we simply just cannot figure out a way to make things work.
Most of my favorite relationships, unfortunately, blossom from emotionally unhealthy suspects. As loving as they can be, the paranoid and easiliy angered mental state which consumes them cannot be escaped... no matter how much we strecth ourselves out for them, support them, love them. Their struggles become your struggles, their pain becomes your pain. That's how deep your understanding of those special ones becomes, and that is love in our minds, right? And until we are able to move past that we continue to be handicapped by the anger and obsession and need to beat ourselves Sustainment of a healthy relationship requires both individuals should be fully functional. I haven't always been fairly functional emotionally (I'll admit) let alone fully, but I know I've worked pretty hard to become that way over the years. Especially when someone who loves you and makes you feel safe enough to tap into the unchartered territories of your emotional being. When both parties are not fully functional you don't communicate well, and can only can talk when you're both happy which is very far from healthy and not cool.
As loving and trustworthy this one person was when we were together, and still is I'm sure... taking responsibility for things hindered our connection and became decay to our relationship, which ended up being a bigger issue for me than I had realized initially. With everything we went through, I honestly noticed moments when this person stopped finding reasons to love me for me. Don't get me wrong, this person loves me, I wont sit here and pretend like they don't. It's just that when you look at life and situations and circumstances, this person this person left me wondering if they loved me enough. Enough to do things I needed... enough to not get tired of me -like people often do- which is a story for another day. When we as people fail to maintian stability in our lives we appear to be broken. It's actually not even an appearance, its a reality. The lack of stability with this loved one always lingered around as the beginning of the end of our bond. Losing an important loved one that you have come to cherish and in all likelihood, you won't even be able to remain friends is some severe emotional trauma, for me. I've asked myself a million times why do I want to believe there's a legitimate excuse for when they’ve treating me badly? Ironically, often times the justifications I would come up with would sound really good. I had to come to the reality that me justifying the poor treatment was me looking for something —anything — to make sense of how this person I care about acted toward me, with such ease. Between the criticizing and judgment of me, distrust and jealousy, and the internal struggle with this person had with their own happiness that finally pushed me over the edge. I had no other choice but to help myself stop the misscarriage of love and respect I had been putting up with for so long, 23 months don't even compare to losing what felt like an eternity that was supposed to be forever.
One thousand eight hundred twenty-five days have come and gone, which amounts to five years. This has been a period of reflection combined with misguided direction, and I am thankful for both. Every insane thing that we've done to and with one another did exist as love, but not anymore. I'll always love my big baby, and wish them the best of luck finding the perfect recipe of love that is custom made for you.